In therapy today, we addressed the question: what does smoking give me? How does it help me? What does it make me feel?
As I sat doing the hand-to-mouth motion with a pretend cigarette, I realized that I felt power in my belly, stillness in my mind and peace/love in my heart. That’s a lot of meditative, happy feelings! I have come to make smoking a good thing, a relaxing thing, a habit that soothes me.
So, now that I’ve quit for 60 days, I find myself lighting up again. And tonight I’m adding half a Coors Light, too. But, why?
Today, in session, we also discussed how I started smoking on the day of my Grandfather’s suicide. And how yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of my best friend’s sudden passing. I’m in it- the grief, the shadow, the darkness.
But despite all that, from a place of power I said, ‘I don’t want to grieve anymore.” I’m really so effing done being sad.
I also got to place where I said, ‘This is my time. I do what I choose.”
And honestly, smoking has been a rebellious act for me. It’s time to not smoke, as a conscious choice of empowerment in the present moment. Over and over, to consciously choose the right choice from the beginning. Instead of saying,”I want to smoke,” then making the course correction of not smoking. I want to make the initial choice of: “I fucking don’t want another God damn cigarette for the rest of my entire life!”
And then, to say over and over: “I do not smoke. I don’t want a cigarette ever again.”
In this sense, I’m saying goodbye to my past and hello to the present moment and to my future. I’m coming to terms with my own mortality and the fragility of life itself. I’m standing in my power and I’m finding that place of stillness, peace and love on the other side of the ashes. It exists in the freedom from the bondage of this addiction.
I find power in my belly, stillness in my mind and peace/love in my heart by breathing a deep, fresh clean, cleansing breath. I also find it through sitting still in my meditation pillow for 5 minutes and witnessing my thoughts with non-judgment. There are countless healthy ways to get to that place. I just need to explore the world around me through the eyes of love to return to that place of stillness, love and power.
I don’t know when it will all fall into place, or how. The why is in God’s hands and only through Grace will all of this work. I’m counting on God to see me through, as He always has.
I’m learning to keep trying. Keep talking. Ask questions. Do my best. I look to the soaring winged wise ones. The moon is my greatest ally. The Ascension is helping. All in all, it’s going be okay.
The light wins, because love conquers all. Love’s power can heal and transform us into the enlightened beings we are. We just have to hold our Creator’s hand and listen to our still, small voice guiding us everyday.